Today I am Grateful For..

1. A baby boy who is becoming more and more independent everyday.
2. A baby Girl who is still so dependent on me that it takes my breath away.
3. The lovely breeze from my kitchen window when i sit down for my morning cup of tea.
4. A good Internet connection and time to browse.
5. One of the best desserts I have ever had..its sweet but not too much and absolutely delightful...its called Kunafa.

A change of heart ??

Today marks a memorable day in my parenting world. Last night when I was dealing with once-uncommon-but lately-very frequent, bout of insomnia, I changed the wallpaper in my profile to a picture of my baby girl. No big deal!! You say?? Well for me it is a big deal…..its a momentous occasion, a disloyalty to my undying love for my boy. I never could have thought, never could have imagined in my wildest dreams that I was capable of loving anyone even an echelon more than I love that person. It was just not happening. Yet it took my baby girl just 7 months to win me over and by GOD she has finally won me over, through her sweetness as apposed to her brother’s fierce, headstrong, willful self. Once, when I saw my friend (equally taken with her first-born) change the wallpaper on her mobile to a picture of her second son, I was dismayed, appalled even. It seemed like a treachery of epic proportions, a how-could-you moment!! I am at the same point in my life and I love every minute of it. My heart sure is big enough for two, maybe even more. Now all I have to do is make sure I hide the mobile from aun, I don’t want to break her heart na!!!

My addiction

I am addicted to my children...there I have said it. I understand that this emotion, this admittance is frowned upon in our cultural setup. I understand that mothers are supposed to MOTHER only, as a chore, a very very tough chore. Mothers are not supposed to glean anything out of this experience, not supposed to have fun much less satiety for their addiction. Tauba tauba what kind of mother would even think of such a thing...umm well my kind of mother :)
I feel that two people make motherhood complete, the child and...you guessed it..the mother!! And it seems horribly unfair that only one half of the equation enjoys all the perks and the mother side of the equation has to wait till the day of judgment for her jannat to materialize...totally unfair I say. So I enjoy my kids to the fullest..I will hug them tight even when they desperately want to wriggle out of my grasp, I will chomp on puffy thighs even if that means indignant cries from the victim and I will tickle my child till he laughs so much that it begins to hurt him. This is my price for waking up nights with them and frankly it seems fair enough to me. I will do all of these things because I want my jannat now. See I am not sure about the day of judgment...my bad will most likely outweigh the good.

Today I am grateful for

*For having parents who are there to help..in every possible way
*Auni back to his spunky mazeydaar self
*gradig almost done
*Packing mess almost sorted
*the way the new black boots look on Ayjoo's chubby fluffy feet
*that iv finally learned how to make rotis..a feat I thought was beyond my capabilities.

A non-stick solution for my heart

Sometimes I so wish for a Teflon coating for my heart or maybe just plain old non-stickiness that will ensure that nothing whatsoever EVER sticks to the surface. I am one of those unlucky few who cannot NOT anything to heart. I beat myself up for things that I know are beyond my control or even my imagination.
Last night I was up for a long long time wondering, worrying, obsessing about the people who have had to leave their homes in Swat. People we are calling IDPs are people just like us with their own cozy corners in their homes, their kitchens stocked with their favorite food, their family pictures hanging on the walls, their kids favorite blankie, their toys left behind.
When I think about packing up my house for my soon-to-begin journey, I can’t decide what to leave behind. I know that my house is safe, my memories are safe and that I will soon be back, and yet I want to wrap up everything and take it with me. My hard is aching for the people who did not have the luxury to mull over this choice, who did not have the time to pick n choose, who in order to be safe had to just get up and leave, leaving years worth of memories behind.

Random Musings

My girl has a bad throat. She coughs and sneezes and her whole body shakes with the impact. She tried cooing in the morning but all that came out was a mere croak. I wish I had a camera on hand to capture the utter look of surprise on her face when she realized what she had heard was her own voice.
Last night when my boy snuggled up to me for his bedtime story, he rested his head on my shoulder and said “anni ko sab sey paree ami lagtee hain….aur chota baby aur baba….aur…..hmmmm….aur…..basss”. In that one sentence, he undid the affect of a week’s worth of tantrums and time-outs, and I thought to myself, maybe I am not totally screwing up this parenting gig.
I have lost a couple pounds in the last two weeks, nothing major I know but didnt do anything drastic either, just watched what I ate. To reward myself, I had a paratha for breakfast, a crunchy crispy layered paratha slathered with desi ghee.............ummmmmmmm heaven on a plate...also heart attack and obesity!!!

People Pleasing

It is the absolute superlative form of spontaneously replicating dissatisfaction. I am a recovering people pleaser and i know what i am talking about.